"in care of"

Myth: Crying is a sign of weakness - Myth: Christians shouldn't grieve if they know their loved one is in heaven. They should feel Joy - Myth: Only immediate family members will experience significant grief - Myth: If you express intense feelings, you're losing control of yourself. 

With all that I am... I miss Mitch everyday!! With every writing that has been placed on my heart to share - I am filled with blessing of sweet comforting words from others.  The words that have stuck with me and I feel the need to once again reiterate "its not me" - "Your so strong" "You are amazing"  I ask myself ...really??  how does anyone see that to be a true statement, especially after the other night.  I do not give attention to the day of every month that Mitch passed - I do find myself in disbelief that we are nearing 1 yr.  Rodney and I went to have our taxes done the other night "well we had dropped of our taxes" with Mitch's to be completed - we were just going in for the signatures.  With everything completed and efiled we then turned to Mitch's .... I found myself having trouble breathing, LJ was preparing to send his efile and the question pop up "in care of" it was the weirdest feeling - I felt him to be alone for a split second - of course I spoke up to say "me" "put my name on there" I have never be afforded nor desired not to be "in care of" him - BUT I WASN'T "in care of" him, not now, NOT ever again!!!! We left there and I was an emotional wreck... as we drove down the road, Rodney quietly said.... "momma.. I don't know what to say"  and to my surprise - I didn't either!! I felt SO STUPID.. that I had felt this way when knowing that my sweet angel was in the BEST "in care of" ever! I sat in the car as Rodney was getting gas with tears and snot running all over my face texting my Mother & Tammi looking for simple words of "something" I didn't even know what to do with myself !! The reply that come in "i love you" nothing more, nothing less - Just the sweetness of heaing it and knowing that its true, soothed me.  We got Lake something to eat and took it home, I took his food to him without him knowing my emotional state - kissed him good night and off to bed - I WAS FINISHED with this day! The next morning, Lake came into my room kissed me bye and off to school.  I received a text from him about 20 mins later reading

Lake: "Hey OMG I forgot to tell you I came into your room to tell you about my dream it was about you!!!"
Me: tell me....
Me: your can't leave me hanging...
Lake: "Ok it was me and bubba and I remember it like it was 5sec ago we were sitting there and he was leaving to the beach and he told me to tell you he loved you and I said she knows and he said tell her anyways!!"
Me: Lake, thank you!! last night doing taxes my heart was just breaking!! I left there in tears over something so stupid as taxes but it just hit me Hard!! I just needed something - I needed extra God winks... and better yet he let Bubba tell you :) Thank you Sweetheart - I just needed that so bad! Was he smiling and happy?
Lake: YES!!

THIS is how I get through living without him in the flesh ~

Loving a child is the closest thing to heaven, no I am not talking about a child born of your flesh and blood, I am speaking of loving a CHILD period end of sentance!! Gods love is ALL, EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE.  We live in a society that ignores death of the body and does not know how to talk about it and maybe I shouldnt... BUT how can I not speak of Gods love and his mercy??
"I [the Lord] am with you and will watch over you wherever you go." Genesis 28:15

I spoke to my mom after all of this who is so connected to my soul and she had a tough few days - its funny that we both promised to call the other one when we have these days - yet we dont want to upset the other - and we ALWAYS find a sweet peace after hearing the other ones voice and crying together.  I am not a perfect Mother and I have a few stories to prove it.. although I do find a comfort in knowing that not a day in 20 years of Mitch's life here on earth did he ever wonder who was "in care of" him - I am thankful to have been part of his foundation. I am thankful to those that love me,believe in me so much, lift me up in prayer ( I need it), stand by me and just know!

although I miss you in the flesh ~ I feel you everyday through your sweet loving soul!!

Loving you today, until tomorrow
melissa