The Wood Pile

Please don't ask me to tell you "I understand" what God desires from me .... I don't..?? These past few weeks have just been crazy with emotions - I'm sure there are all kinds of answers.... BUT yesterday morning, FRIDAY morning, my day off - Rodney and Lake left the house 6:30am. I am lying in bed trying to go back to sleep with no luck - I feel like poop, I'm tried, I don't want to deal with the world today... I wanted to BE STILL, BY MYSELF.... But as I see it, GOD did not intent for that to happen!! I had this burden to go to the wood pile - again please don't ask me why, I don't care a thing about that wood pile - Rodney handles that and to be honest I knew that our neighbors had given him some wood and he went to picked it up BUT I DID NOT pay any attention to the DUMP site of the wood. SO, in my PJs and garden shoes I head to the wood pile.  Well there it was, piled up in front of the heater - I thought to myself....well maybe I mentioned to GOD "looks good to me" AGAIN.... God did not see it that way!! So I set into making two stacks on the sides of the heater, small wood and big wood.  It was chilly and remind you I'm in my bed clothes man handling this wood. I stopped and looked around,  the overwhelming  heart break of missing Mitch was more than I could hold back; as the tears fell I remember feeling - "WHY AM I OUT HERE DOING THIS"?? my heart just wanted to hurt today and instead of comforting me Lord, you ask for physical labor?  Tears falling, Sobbing I look up and see a calf in the yard - "Wow, what a show I have put on for you little calf" - I thought.  I walked to the fence quietly and open the gate - the calf walked in without any fear or hesitation. I mended the fence as best I could and walked back up to the wood pile, quietly I finished stacking the wood.  I talked to Rodney a short time after and told him he would have to fix the fence because the calves were getting out - when I told him that the calf walked right in without hesitation he replied " They are smart, they know where they belong"  mmmmm.. are you getting it yet?  Cause I just did - Its when I want to be by myself and my heart hurts so bad it feels like it will explode and there is NO comfort to be found -  HE opens his arms and I walk in without fear "thats where I belong"

P.S. as I was checking out the "Stack Job" I got a "God Wink" - I am just saying....God has a sense of humor and I have sore muscles - Lesson Learned... 1. His arms are always open - just walk right in without fear, the comfort is there  2. helping others find their way "where they belong" quickly eased my heart ~  God's love for dummies 1 on 1  ~ 

1 John 2:5: But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him.

Lovin you Today ~ Until tomorrow
Melissa

"in care of"

Myth: Crying is a sign of weakness - Myth: Christians shouldn't grieve if they know their loved one is in heaven. They should feel Joy - Myth: Only immediate family members will experience significant grief - Myth: If you express intense feelings, you're losing control of yourself. 

With all that I am... I miss Mitch everyday!! With every writing that has been placed on my heart to share - I am filled with blessing of sweet comforting words from others.  The words that have stuck with me and I feel the need to once again reiterate "its not me" - "Your so strong" "You are amazing"  I ask myself ...really??  how does anyone see that to be a true statement, especially after the other night.  I do not give attention to the day of every month that Mitch passed - I do find myself in disbelief that we are nearing 1 yr.  Rodney and I went to have our taxes done the other night "well we had dropped of our taxes" with Mitch's to be completed - we were just going in for the signatures.  With everything completed and efiled we then turned to Mitch's .... I found myself having trouble breathing, LJ was preparing to send his efile and the question pop up "in care of" it was the weirdest feeling - I felt him to be alone for a split second - of course I spoke up to say "me" "put my name on there" I have never be afforded nor desired not to be "in care of" him - BUT I WASN'T "in care of" him, not now, NOT ever again!!!! We left there and I was an emotional wreck... as we drove down the road, Rodney quietly said.... "momma.. I don't know what to say"  and to my surprise - I didn't either!! I felt SO STUPID.. that I had felt this way when knowing that my sweet angel was in the BEST "in care of" ever! I sat in the car as Rodney was getting gas with tears and snot running all over my face texting my Mother & Tammi looking for simple words of "something" I didn't even know what to do with myself !! The reply that come in "i love you" nothing more, nothing less - Just the sweetness of heaing it and knowing that its true, soothed me.  We got Lake something to eat and took it home, I took his food to him without him knowing my emotional state - kissed him good night and off to bed - I WAS FINISHED with this day! The next morning, Lake came into my room kissed me bye and off to school.  I received a text from him about 20 mins later reading

Lake: "Hey OMG I forgot to tell you I came into your room to tell you about my dream it was about you!!!"
Me: tell me....
Me: your can't leave me hanging...
Lake: "Ok it was me and bubba and I remember it like it was 5sec ago we were sitting there and he was leaving to the beach and he told me to tell you he loved you and I said she knows and he said tell her anyways!!"
Me: Lake, thank you!! last night doing taxes my heart was just breaking!! I left there in tears over something so stupid as taxes but it just hit me Hard!! I just needed something - I needed extra God winks... and better yet he let Bubba tell you :) Thank you Sweetheart - I just needed that so bad! Was he smiling and happy?
Lake: YES!!

THIS is how I get through living without him in the flesh ~

Loving a child is the closest thing to heaven, no I am not talking about a child born of your flesh and blood, I am speaking of loving a CHILD period end of sentance!! Gods love is ALL, EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE.  We live in a society that ignores death of the body and does not know how to talk about it and maybe I shouldnt... BUT how can I not speak of Gods love and his mercy??
"I [the Lord] am with you and will watch over you wherever you go." Genesis 28:15

I spoke to my mom after all of this who is so connected to my soul and she had a tough few days - its funny that we both promised to call the other one when we have these days - yet we dont want to upset the other - and we ALWAYS find a sweet peace after hearing the other ones voice and crying together.  I am not a perfect Mother and I have a few stories to prove it.. although I do find a comfort in knowing that not a day in 20 years of Mitch's life here on earth did he ever wonder who was "in care of" him - I am thankful to have been part of his foundation. I am thankful to those that love me,believe in me so much, lift me up in prayer ( I need it), stand by me and just know!

although I miss you in the flesh ~ I feel you everyday through your sweet loving soul!!

Loving you today, until tomorrow
melissa