"my SON, melissa"

Life is short ~ that's not a hard one I know... but that is how I found myself at Mitch's graveside on my knees for the first time with such shame - I had been planning for months to go with Mom on a woman's retreat that was going to be held close to our house in Loudon. Very excited the weekend had arrived, I headed out feeling ill, very congested, fever, aching and just wanted to stay in my bed!! I could also say I just had a heavy heart and was simply missing Mitch. I read somewhere or someone told me that if your heart hurts with love... it just means you’re giving it the right way. My prayers... I never ask to take that love pain away, I just ask for strength to make it through the day. There are some days; I will tell you while I am confessing my shame- that I give God a run for his day..... I am SO thankful for our heavenly father who loves me no matter what and continues to LOVE in ways that I can understand. Arriving at the retreat I see Susan (our teacher for this weekend), I hear others discussing that her mood was off a bit. I got a chance to speak with Susan and thank her for having me; she did seem a bit taken back..... She then explained, "all the months of planning and the Lord is wanting me to change what I had planned and worked on". Our conversation went on the path of my last blog "the wood pile" I did explain to her I get in trouble sometimes when I want to do things MY way (not that -that was what she was doing) I was explaining "my lesson of change in my plans". Susan smiled and went straight into Gods desires of the plan/lesson. The night was packed with interactivities, stories, songs and blessing with all taking place- what a wonderful group of women. Friday night was a tough trying to sleep or even rest, still sick and heart heavy. Saturday morning I returned for the devotion knowing I was not going to make it through the day. As I sat in my chair praying for the strength physically and mentally to be able to get up and get in my car to go home.... I could not get to a place of peace. MY HEART WAS BREAKING and I felt like the breath was knocked out of me.  I managed to tell everyone goodbye and get in my car and start the drive home……. That’s when it hit me I was driving straight to the graveside (I have never been there by myself) not sure why, just never happened that way… but I was headed wide open as if I was running into his hug!! As my knees hit the ground and sobbing with a hundred things running through my mind, I just kept thinking…. I’m so sorry, Lord I’m so sorry!!! Sorry… because for a split second I questioned – DO YOU KNOW HOW IT HURTS TO BE HERE WITHOUT HIM??? and in the same breath I was so hurt an ashamed with the question he placed in my heart…..

Have you EVER cried for “my SON, melissa” the way you have cried for yours?


Shamefully, my answer was NO – I assure you every tear that fell from my face that day was for his SON – a new level of God’s love for dummies ….. I told you I give him a run for his day and HE continues to LOVE me in ways I can understand! I am thankful for his GRACE ~



Loving you today, until tomorrow

m

The Wood Pile

Please don't ask me to tell you "I understand" what God desires from me .... I don't..?? These past few weeks have just been crazy with emotions - I'm sure there are all kinds of answers.... BUT yesterday morning, FRIDAY morning, my day off - Rodney and Lake left the house 6:30am. I am lying in bed trying to go back to sleep with no luck - I feel like poop, I'm tried, I don't want to deal with the world today... I wanted to BE STILL, BY MYSELF.... But as I see it, GOD did not intent for that to happen!! I had this burden to go to the wood pile - again please don't ask me why, I don't care a thing about that wood pile - Rodney handles that and to be honest I knew that our neighbors had given him some wood and he went to picked it up BUT I DID NOT pay any attention to the DUMP site of the wood. SO, in my PJs and garden shoes I head to the wood pile.  Well there it was, piled up in front of the heater - I thought to myself....well maybe I mentioned to GOD "looks good to me" AGAIN.... God did not see it that way!! So I set into making two stacks on the sides of the heater, small wood and big wood.  It was chilly and remind you I'm in my bed clothes man handling this wood. I stopped and looked around,  the overwhelming  heart break of missing Mitch was more than I could hold back; as the tears fell I remember feeling - "WHY AM I OUT HERE DOING THIS"?? my heart just wanted to hurt today and instead of comforting me Lord, you ask for physical labor?  Tears falling, Sobbing I look up and see a calf in the yard - "Wow, what a show I have put on for you little calf" - I thought.  I walked to the fence quietly and open the gate - the calf walked in without any fear or hesitation. I mended the fence as best I could and walked back up to the wood pile, quietly I finished stacking the wood.  I talked to Rodney a short time after and told him he would have to fix the fence because the calves were getting out - when I told him that the calf walked right in without hesitation he replied " They are smart, they know where they belong"  mmmmm.. are you getting it yet?  Cause I just did - Its when I want to be by myself and my heart hurts so bad it feels like it will explode and there is NO comfort to be found -  HE opens his arms and I walk in without fear "thats where I belong"

P.S. as I was checking out the "Stack Job" I got a "God Wink" - I am just saying....God has a sense of humor and I have sore muscles - Lesson Learned... 1. His arms are always open - just walk right in without fear, the comfort is there  2. helping others find their way "where they belong" quickly eased my heart ~  God's love for dummies 1 on 1  ~ 

1 John 2:5: But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him.

Lovin you Today ~ Until tomorrow
Melissa

"in care of"

Myth: Crying is a sign of weakness - Myth: Christians shouldn't grieve if they know their loved one is in heaven. They should feel Joy - Myth: Only immediate family members will experience significant grief - Myth: If you express intense feelings, you're losing control of yourself. 

With all that I am... I miss Mitch everyday!! With every writing that has been placed on my heart to share - I am filled with blessing of sweet comforting words from others.  The words that have stuck with me and I feel the need to once again reiterate "its not me" - "Your so strong" "You are amazing"  I ask myself ...really??  how does anyone see that to be a true statement, especially after the other night.  I do not give attention to the day of every month that Mitch passed - I do find myself in disbelief that we are nearing 1 yr.  Rodney and I went to have our taxes done the other night "well we had dropped of our taxes" with Mitch's to be completed - we were just going in for the signatures.  With everything completed and efiled we then turned to Mitch's .... I found myself having trouble breathing, LJ was preparing to send his efile and the question pop up "in care of" it was the weirdest feeling - I felt him to be alone for a split second - of course I spoke up to say "me" "put my name on there" I have never be afforded nor desired not to be "in care of" him - BUT I WASN'T "in care of" him, not now, NOT ever again!!!! We left there and I was an emotional wreck... as we drove down the road, Rodney quietly said.... "momma.. I don't know what to say"  and to my surprise - I didn't either!! I felt SO STUPID.. that I had felt this way when knowing that my sweet angel was in the BEST "in care of" ever! I sat in the car as Rodney was getting gas with tears and snot running all over my face texting my Mother & Tammi looking for simple words of "something" I didn't even know what to do with myself !! The reply that come in "i love you" nothing more, nothing less - Just the sweetness of heaing it and knowing that its true, soothed me.  We got Lake something to eat and took it home, I took his food to him without him knowing my emotional state - kissed him good night and off to bed - I WAS FINISHED with this day! The next morning, Lake came into my room kissed me bye and off to school.  I received a text from him about 20 mins later reading

Lake: "Hey OMG I forgot to tell you I came into your room to tell you about my dream it was about you!!!"
Me: tell me....
Me: your can't leave me hanging...
Lake: "Ok it was me and bubba and I remember it like it was 5sec ago we were sitting there and he was leaving to the beach and he told me to tell you he loved you and I said she knows and he said tell her anyways!!"
Me: Lake, thank you!! last night doing taxes my heart was just breaking!! I left there in tears over something so stupid as taxes but it just hit me Hard!! I just needed something - I needed extra God winks... and better yet he let Bubba tell you :) Thank you Sweetheart - I just needed that so bad! Was he smiling and happy?
Lake: YES!!

THIS is how I get through living without him in the flesh ~

Loving a child is the closest thing to heaven, no I am not talking about a child born of your flesh and blood, I am speaking of loving a CHILD period end of sentance!! Gods love is ALL, EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE.  We live in a society that ignores death of the body and does not know how to talk about it and maybe I shouldnt... BUT how can I not speak of Gods love and his mercy??
"I [the Lord] am with you and will watch over you wherever you go." Genesis 28:15

I spoke to my mom after all of this who is so connected to my soul and she had a tough few days - its funny that we both promised to call the other one when we have these days - yet we dont want to upset the other - and we ALWAYS find a sweet peace after hearing the other ones voice and crying together.  I am not a perfect Mother and I have a few stories to prove it.. although I do find a comfort in knowing that not a day in 20 years of Mitch's life here on earth did he ever wonder who was "in care of" him - I am thankful to have been part of his foundation. I am thankful to those that love me,believe in me so much, lift me up in prayer ( I need it), stand by me and just know!

although I miss you in the flesh ~ I feel you everyday through your sweet loving soul!!

Loving you today, until tomorrow
melissa

KLR turns 15 "Lake"

A year ago I posted about a wonderful young man who turned 14 -

WOW what this past year has brought, A LOT to and through our lives. I spoke of the Foundation Lake had become with no ideal of the amazing strength that would shine during the time of the  loss of his brother (his hero). Lake turns 15 tomorrow and looking back at on his "backward crybaby little self" - HE IS A WONDERFUL, GIFTED, POWERFUL, LOVING young man. I'm not sure what I expected (well maybe.. I did - from a teenage boy) but what I got was the most amazing show of LOVE and strength. This past year Lake has poured himself into loving and supporting a lot of different things - the things most young men don't have time for. The support of "Operations Smile" (continued support from Mitch's choice of charity's) helped raise $2000.00 (Life Celebration Bonfire) this year in the loving memory of Mitchell. "ALS" (supporting his Uncle Mike) helped raise $2000.00 (4th of July ALS awareness / Picnic) and so much compassion toward Mike and Sheila's wonderful story of LOVE (and thankful to be apart of their life)!! "Cystic Fibrosis" raised $200.00 in a walk ..... AND recently just fell head over heals for a wonderful little soul in Nashville ~ My precious friend Tammy (who loves so BIG) shared a story of Savannah Hope an 11yr old little girl who is diagnosed with "alveolar rhabdomyosarcoma" Lake had no ideal what to do but wanted to do something - He gathered up a few friends to raise awareness of Childhood Cancer - Pictures sent to Savannah pouring out love and HOPE and a video in production now to raise awareness "these guys put their heart and soul into this video". I am so proud of the "Sweetheart" he is.  Happy 15 wonderful years, LAKE you are amazing to me!!

Until tomorrow ~ Loving you today.. Melissa

Heart of the matter ~

I don't think I have ever been your 'typical girl" - No pink, Love dirt, Big trucks, Softball, Fishing, Football, ALWAYS -Baby dolls were for sitting on the bed!! I have to add, I thought it was STUPID when girls signed their name with a HEART behind it, "how stinking girly". My life in general, "not typical".   
 I found a picture of Mitch I have seen a thousand times, it was a picture taken after one of his surgeries around 7yrs of age- right above his head in bright light "a heart". Got me thinking.... scary I know!! I will say "with years past - I love pink, I still love the dirt, big trucks, ball, fishing and more than anything "Hearts". Six years ago our life came to a new chapter (Rodney) - something happen that I slowed down to see the love around us... HEARTS EVERYWHERE!! The first showed up the day after I met Rodney - one in a perfect heart rock (now on our pantry) second a BIG rock in the first ever picture of us. Since then, uncountable and getting them from all over and everyone - who came to know our "heart" story. I recently reunited with such a precious soul that I had went to school with years ago. Odd that it happen like it did but credit to facebook. After I had spent some time with Greg, I was introduced to a whole new family - OH my, what they would bring to my life..... I was invited to Christmas Celebration 2009 at the McEachern's (a well kept secret that all should have the pleasure in sharing) and there I sat in the living room of the most wonderful loving atmosphere ever, admiring all the people gathered - my eyes wandered to the biggest heart I have ever seen, not sure where it was i.e.; at the neighbors or in another room - I was looking through the patio door into another room. I could not stand myself, I found Mrs. McEachern (Momma Mac) and asked her about the heart -- OH MY DEAR.. my heart fell in love with this sweet sole - I was lost in her & HER ART WORK!!! I shared our story of hearts and explained how the boys were finding them, Rodney and myself. I told her they were just everywhere and I just could not figure it out. Momma Mac in her sweet comforting voice touched my arm and said the words that later would stand me on my feet with strength ( " God's love is everywhere - a lot of times we just dont slow down enough to see it and accept it") I am sure I miss a few hearts BUT not many. I have such a collection and plan to put them together in a book for a sweet reminder of Gods love for us. After Mitch passed and I was faced with the most Unimaginable task of planning his "going home " gathering (thank you my sweet cousin Tammy) for the choice of words – they do make a difference. There I stood for the first time to realize I have no control and never had any - Walking through a cemetery to “mark” where you will lay your loved on to rest (is not something ANYONE ever is prepared for – many things go on in your head – call it a Melissa thing… but I was so mad at whoever kept this cemetery and focused on this tree that looked of NOTHING BUT death itself standing there – I COULD NOT LET IT GO – My mom – father-in-law and husband, I’m sure thought I had lost my mind – they reeled me in long enough to make my decision ….. I still don’t remember because ALL I could think about was this AWFUL TREE!! Right in the time I needed God to send me his love and I GET A DEAD TREE??? Really… and to catch my eye yet no one else seem to mind that tree - As we got in the car that was parked right beside the “spot” I looked up at the tree that now that was at a different angle – from where Mitch’s earthly body would be laid to rest – STOP THE CAR!!!! Again, they thought I had LOST my mind…. THERE IT WAS A PERFECT.... at a different angle it was a HEART (God Wink) at that moment I knew – GOD was in control and had always been in control - sending his sweet love to us just as I had ask – as I have always ask and received. SO many people have sent hearts to me from everywhere, I am grateful and keep them all (compiling a book with sweet stories) Most of all I am thankful, that so many have "slowed down to see" Our heavenly father's plan are not always what they seems .... HE is my strength!! Until tomorrow.. Loving you today ~ MeLiSsA

Looking from Mitch's Mounument (After)

Coming in the GATE (Before) - Although looking now.... It looks like
a M (smiling)

21st Life Celebration 10-29-2010

We Did it!! We raised over $1000.00 our goal! Thanks to all who shared in the laughter, tears, BIG SMILES and Celebrating the life of such a sweet angel! Thank you Lord for your blessings..

The link to Mitch's One Page ~
http://support.operationsmile.org/site/TR?type=fr_tribute_fund&fr_id=1030&pxfid=11260&post_id=21700&bpg=rlist&pg=fund#p21830

Loving you today, until tomorrow ~

Living without Him.....

My sweet first love, my true Prince who loves with all his heart ~ is living in the arms of angels and knowing the unknown depth of our Heavenly Fathers PROMISE ~  I miss his sweet face everyday with every breath I breath.  I am so thankful for his short life here with us, he brought so much love, lessons and strength to so many.  I have made the stand that Satan will not get any part of Mitch's life on earth, which includes the life of the one's left behind - a tragedy in our human eyes does not constitute the end in death BUT a beautiful new beginning of LIFE with no surgery's - no earaches - no infections - no deafness - no disabilities (although Mitch never said the word disability) How unfair, I think I might have said a few times until I realized  - HOW FAIR IT REALLY IS... A masterpiece sent from heaven into my arms to love and protect, giving back to my life a mighty strength and love that could have only been brought by him (sent from heaven above) and now, his rewards for his journey of sharing the Lords Love - compassion - friendship - understanding - forgiveness - strength .... even when he was at his weakest moments HE SHINED with the heavenly love.  I am thankful everyday for meeting, loving, protecting, raising such a sweet piece of heaven on earth.  This I speak of, is from a deep FOUNDATION of family love - I have wonderful souls that connect from way back that our love and strength comes from - Thank you - Praise you Heavenly Father for your FAMILY FOUNDATIONS that brought us to such Sweet Salvation ~  your will be done, I am Thankful

Loving MUCH, Melissa